sgpr_fan: (Default)
The FBI had an opening for an assassin  
After all the background checks, interviews

and testing were done, there were 3 finalists;  

two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of
 

the men to a large metal door and handed  

him a gun.

'We must know that you will follow your

 

Instructions no matter what the circumstances.

Inside the room you will find your wife sitting

 

in a chair .. . . kill her!!'

The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could

 

never shoot my wife.'

The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man

 

for this job. Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions.
He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes.

The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I t
ried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the
same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another.  They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.  

'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said.  'I had to
beat him to death with the  damn chair.'

MORAL:

Women are crazy. Don't mess with them
sgpr_fan: (Default)


 
 
Instructions for cleaning a toilet :

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.


2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.



3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may
need to stand on the lid.


4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.


5. Flush the toilet three or four times.This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".



6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.


7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.



8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet,streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.


9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

 

Sincerely,
The Dog

sgpr_fan: (Default)

Tragic news from up north . . .
 

 

 


 

 
 

 
 
 
sgpr_fan: (Default)

The decision on whether to be a Nerd or a Professional Athlete (if you could have such a choice) may not be as easy as it sounds.

>> Michael Jordan having 'retired,' with $40 million in
>> endorsements, makes $178,100 a day, working or not.
>>
>> If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every
>> night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head.
>>
>> If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7.00, but
>> he'll make $18,550 while he's there.
>>
>> If he decides to have a 5-minute egg, he'll make
>> $618 while boiling it.
>>
>> He makes $7,415/hour more than minimum wage.
>>
>> If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX
>> ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours.
>>
>> If someone were to hand him his salary and
>> endorsement money, they would have to do it
>> at the rate of $2.00 every second.
>>
>> He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round
>> of golf, but will be reimbursed $33,390 for
>> that round.
>>
>> He'll make about $19.60 while watching the 100- meter dash in the
> Olympics, and about  $15,600 during the Boston Marathon.
>>
>> This year, he'll make more than twice as much
>> as all U.S. Past presidents for all of their terms combined.
>>
>> Amazing isn't it?
>>
>> However...
>> If Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next
>> 500 years, he'll still have less than Bill Gates has
>> at this very moment.
>>
>> Game over.   Nerd wins .....
>> 

jokes

Dec. 16th, 2008 11:25 pm
sgpr_fan: (Default)

I am going through my old emails and putting up some good ones just because...

 

How old is Grandpa? )

 
How old is Grandpa?

 
Stay with this -- the answer is at the end -- it will blow you away.
One evening a grandson was talking to his grandfather about current events. The grandson asked his grandfather what he thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general.
The Grandpa replied, "Well, let me think a minute, I was born before:
'        television,
'        penicillin,
'        polio shots,
'        frozen foods,
'        Xerox,
'        contact lenses,
'        Frisbees and
'        the pill.


There was no:
'        radar,
'        credit cards,
'       laser beams or
'        ball-point pens. 


Man had not invented:
'        pantyhose,
'        air conditioners,
'        dishwashers,
'        clothes dryers,
'        the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air
'       man hadn't yet walked on the moon.
 
Your Grandmother and I got married first-and then lived together. 
Every family had a father and a mother.
Until I was 25, I called every man older than I, 'Sir'- and after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, "Sir.'
We were before gay-rights, computer- dating, dual careers, daycare centers, and group therapy.
Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense. 
We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions.
Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a bigger privilege.
We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent
Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins. 
Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors when the evening breeze started. 
Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends-not purchasing condominiums.
 
We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings. 
We listened to the Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on our radios. 
And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey
If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan ' on it, it was junk. 
The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam. 
Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of.
We had 5 &10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents.
Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel.
And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards.
You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600 but who could afford one ?
Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon. 



In my day:
'       "grass" was mowed,
'       "coke" was a cold drink,
'       "pot" was something your mother cooked in and
'       "rock music" was your grandmother's lullaby. 
'       "Aids" were helpers in the Principal's office, 
'       " chip" meant a piece of wood,
'       "hardware" was found in a hardware store and
'       "software" wasn't even a word.


 
And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby.
No wonder people call us "old and confused" and say there is a generation gap...
and how old do you think I am?



I bet you have this old man in mind...you are in for a shock!



Read on to see -- pretty scary if you think about it and pretty sad at the same time.  



 
 
This man would be only 58 years old!  
.
sgpr_fan: (Default)
Have you lived? )

DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN

All the girls had ugly gym uniforms?



It took five minutes for the TV warm up?



Nearly everyone's Mom was at home when the kids got home from school?



Nobody owned a purebred dog?



When a quarter was a decent allowance?


You'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny?


Your Mom wore nylons that came in two pieces?





You got your windshield cleaned, oil checked, and gas pumped, without asking, all for free, every time? And you didn't pay for air? And, you got trading stamps to boot?


Laundry detergent had free glasses, dishes or towels hidden inside the box?


It was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner at a real restaurant with your parents?


When a 57 Chevy was everyone's dream car... to cruise, peel out, lay rubber or watch submarine races, and people went steady?

No one ever asked where the car keys were because they were always in the car, in the ignition, and the doors were never locked?

Lying on your back in the grass with your friends?
and saying things like, 'That cloud looks like a... '?

Playing baseball with no adults to help kids with the rules of the game?


Stuff from the store came without safety caps and hermetic seals because no one had yet tried to poison a perfect stranger?


And with all our progress, don't you just wish, just once, you could slip back in time and savor the slower pace? Share it with the children of today.

When being sent to the principal's office was nothing
compared to the fate that awaited the student at home?

Basically we were in fear for our lives, but it wasn't because of drive-by shootings, drugs, gangs, etc. Our parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat! But we survived because their love was greater than the threat.

Send this on to someone who can still remember Nancy Drew, the Hardy Boys, Laurel and Hardy, Howdy Dowdy and the Peanut Gallery, the Lone Ranger, The Shadow Knows, Nellie Bell, Roy and Dale, Trigger and Buttermilk.



... as well as summers filled with bike rides, baseball games, Hula Hoops, bowling and visits to the pool, and eating Kool-Aid powder with sugar.

 



Didn't that feel good? Just to go back and say, 'Yeah, I remember that'?



I am sharing this with you today because it ended with a double dog dare to pass it on. To remember what a double dog dare is, read on. And remember that the perfect age is somewhere between old enough to know better and too young to care.


How many of these do you remember...



Candy cigarettes


Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside.


Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles.


Coffee shops with table side jukeboxes.


Blackjack, Clove and Teaberry chewing gum.


Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers.



Newsreels before the movie.


P.F. Fliers.



Telephone numbers with a word prefix...(Raymond 4-601). Party lines.




Peashooters.


Howdy Dowdy.


Hi-Fi's & 45 RPM records.


78 RPM records!


Green Stamps.



Mimeograph paper.


The Fort Apache Play Set.


Do you remember a time when...


Decisions were made by going 'eeny-meeny-miney-moe'?


Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, 'Do Over!'?


'Race issue' meant arguing about who ran the fastest?



Catching the fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening?



It wasn't odd to have two or three 'Best Friends'?



The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was 'cooties'?


Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a slingshot?


Saturday morning cartoons weren't 30-minute commercials for action figures?

'Oly-oly-oxen-free' made perfect sense?


Spinning around, getting dizzy, and falling down was cause for giggles?


The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team?


War was a card game?


Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle?


Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin?


Water balloons were the ultimate weapon?


If you can remember most or all of these, then you have lived!!!!!!!


Pass this on to anyone who may need a break from
their 'grown-up' life.






I double-dog-dare-ya!

*laughs*

Dec. 5th, 2008 04:23 pm
sgpr_fan: (Default)

The wife has been on my case

 
 

To get the Christmas lights up

 

For a couple of weeks now. 

They are up now,

And for some reason

She will not talk to me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Profile

sgpr_fan: (Default)
sgpr_fan

January 2010

S M T W T F S
     12
3456789
101112 13 141516
17181920212223
24252627282930
31      

Syndicate

RSS Atom

Most Popular Tags

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
Page generated Jul. 21st, 2017 04:48 pm
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios